趣味英语：英语幽默笑话（三）

03-16 15:34:01 | http://www.youjiao51.com | 544次 | 趣味英语

1. Doctor: Please open your mouth, madam.

   Lady: Thank you very much, doctor.

   Doctor: Why do you thank me?

   Lady: Because my husband always asked me to shut up.

2. A teacher asked asked one of his students:" What is the longest and what is the shortest?" The student answered immediately:" The last several minutes of a class is the longest, while the last several minutes of an exam is the shortest."

3. The teacher asked Tom: "Why did you come to school so late this morning?" "Someone lost one yuan." Answered Tom. "Oh, now I know, you helped him find the money," the teacher said. "No, I stood on the money until the person went away," was Tom's reply.

4. Teacher:David,why don't you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning?
   David: What was it ?
   Teacher: Eggs.
   David: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday.

5. Teacher:Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century?
   Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.

6. Tom: How's your little brother, Johnny?

   Johnny: He's ill in bed. He hurt himself.

   Tom: That's too bad. How did it happen?

   Johnny: We betted who could lean further out of the window, and he won.

7. A man traveling at 130 miles per hour on the road was stopped by traffic police. www.youjiao51.com

   "Sorry, officer." said the driver," Was I driving too fast?"

   "No, sir. You were flying too slow."

8. Girl: Remember that vase you always worried I would break?

   Mom: Of course. What about it?

   Girl: Your worries are over.

9. Patient: You say carrot is good for eyesight. Is that true?

   Doctor: Certainly. Have you ever seen rabbits wearing glasses?

10. David: Did you know that we are related?

   Neighbor: Goodness, how can that be?

   David: Your dog and my dog are brothers.

11. A young man was in love with a beautiful girl. One day she said to him: "It is my birthday tomorrow." "Oh," said the young man, "I'll send you roses, one rose for each year of your life."

   The same evening he went to a florist's. As he knew that the girl was twenty-two years old, he paid for twenty-two roses and asked the florist to send them to the girl the next day.

   When the young man left the shop, the florist thought: "This young man is a very good customer. I think that my price was too high. I'll send ten more roses."

   He did so. The next morning thirty-two roses were sent to the girl. When the young man came to see her, she didn't speak to him. And he never knew why she was so angry with him.

12. Customer: I wonder if this milk is fresh. www.youjiao51.com

   Waiter: Fresh? Three hours ago it was GRASS!

13. Bobby: Billy broke my new doll!

   Mum: How did he do that?

   Bobby: I hit him over the head with it.

14. Teacher: Why does a train run faster than a car?

   Pupil: Because it has more wheels than a car.

15. Sam: How were your exam questions?

   Tom: They were easy, but I had trouble with the answers.

16. Sim: How can I stop water from coming into my house.

   Sam: Don't pay the water bill.

17. Mary: Are you going to use your bike today?

   Jane: Yes, I am sorry.

   Mary: Good, then you won't be needing your tennis racket. May I borrow it?

18. Harry: My big brother shaves every day.

   Henry: My brother shaves fifty times a day.

   Harry: Is he crazy?

   Henry: No, he's a barber.

19.Teacher: What's the shape of our earth, Henry?

　 Henry: It's round.

   Teacher: Well, how do you know it is round?

   Henry: All right, it's square then. I don't want to start an argument about it. www.youjiao51.com

20. Tom: I went for a walk in a large park last week. It was very cold and the wind was blowing hard. All of a student, I saw a big tiger...

   Henry: Oh, what did you do then?

   Tom: I looked at him for a while, then I put my hands into my pockets and went back home.

   Henry: Did the tiger run after you ?

   Tom: No, he didn't of course. You see, it was shut in a cage.

21. An old man died and left his son a lot of money. But the son was a foolish young man, and he quickly spent all the money, so that soon he had nothing left. Of course, when that happened, all his friends left him. When he was quite poor and alone, he went to see Nasreddin, who was a kind, clever old man and often helped people when they had troubles.
   'My money has finished and my friends have gone,' said the young man. 'What will happen to me now?'
   'Don't worry, young man,' answered Nasreddn. 'Everything will soon be all right again. Wait, and you will soon feel much happier.'
   The young man was very glad. 'Am I going to get rich again then?' he asked Nasreddin.
   'No, I didn't mean that,' said the old man. 'I meant that you would soon get used to being poor and to having no friends.'

22. A sign outside a barber's shop said: COME IN TOMORROW FOR A FREE HAIRCUT.
    Fred saw it, and went back the next day and asked for his free haircut. "'Can't you read?" said the barber. "It says come back-tomorrow!"

23. "DID you sell any of your paintings at the art show?"
    "No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one."

24. Two guys were walking through the jungle.
   All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.
   One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on.
   The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims,' Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?'
   His friend replies: 'I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.' www.youjiao51.com

25.There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.

   He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.

   A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's all right! The Lord will save me!" So the helicopter flew away.

   The water continued to rise and a boat came to him ,but once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and once again, the boat sped off.

   The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come." Reluctantly, the helicopter left.

   The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.

   At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"

   St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

25.The Composition Class

   The student in the composition class were assigned the task of writing an essay on "the most beautiful thing I ever saw." The student who, of all the members of the class, seemed the least sensitive to beauty, handed in his paper first with astonishing speed. It was short and to the point. He had written:
   "The most beautiful thing I ever saw was   too beautiful for words." www.youjiao51.com

26.An Abstract Noun

   Teacher: What's an abstract noun, Jane?

   Jane: I don't know, madam.

   Teacher: What, you don't know! Well. It's the name of a thing which you can think of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example.

   Jane: A red-hot poker, madam.

27.The professor's Lunch

   An absent-minded professor was lecturing on anatomy.

   "To show you more clearly what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to examine it very carefully."

   The professor unwrapped the parcel and saw that it contained two sandwiches and a hardboiled egg. Astonished, the professor said:" I was sure I had eaten my lunch, but where is the frog?"

28.I Am My Father

   One day little Tom didn't want to go to school and telephoned the teacher pretended to be his father and said," Hello. Is that the teacher speaking? My little Tom caught cold today and he can't go to school. He asked me to ask you for a day's leave."

   The teacher at the other end of the telephone asked," Who is that speaking?"

   "It's my father, sir." answered Tom.

29.Two Cows

   Teacher: Tommy, name five things that contain milk.

   Tommy: Butter and cheese, ice-cream and two cows.

30.Nouns

   Teacher: A noun is the name of a person or thing. Now, who can give me a noun?

   First boy: A cow.

   Teacher: Very good. Another noun?

   Second boy: Another cow.

   He know the Answer

   Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century?

   Pupil: Yes,Sir, I can. They are all dead.

31.An Essential Correction

   Teacher: Walter, why don't you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. www.youjiao51.com

   Walter: What was it?

   Teacher: Egg.

   Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday.

32.An Absolute Zero

   Student: I don't think I deserve an absolute zero.

   Professor: Nether do I, but it is the lowest mark that I am allowed to give.

33.Overcrowded Moon

   A geography teacher once told her class," The moon is so large that several million people cold live there."

   One boy stated laughing," It sure must get crowded when it's a crescent moon."

34.I'll Wait for You Here

   When a boy living next door was kidnapped,Bess was advising her four-year-old daughter,"Remember,never go away with a stranger if he said he will take you to some interesting lace."

   "No,I won't,Mom,"the girl assured her mother.

   "Then,what you say if a stranger says that he will take you to buy something delicious?"the mother asked again.

   "I'll say,'I'll wait for you here."

35.Innocent and Guilty

   Bill was a pupil.His father was a detective.One day when someone asked him if he wanted to be a detective when he grow up,he said,

   "No,I want to be a lawyer.My father earns money by trying to guilty people among those who seem innocent,but I want to earn more money by trying to find people innocent among those who seem guilty."

36.The Author And The Book-Seller

   One day a book-seller went to visited a famous writer and complimented him on the popular novel he had published recently.

   "What a remarkable novel you've written,"the book-seller said."You know,it took me only two weeks to sell the books at a profit of 200,000 yuan."

   "What a remarkable benefit you've made,"the author said."You know,it took me twenty years to finished the book at a profit of 20,00 0yuan." www.youjiao51.com

37.You Should Be Replaced

   A famous film director entered a restaurant.After the meal,the owner asked him for advice.

   "If I change some of my cooks and their dishes still can't attract costumers,what shall I do?"

   The director thought for a monument and replied,

   "In our film studio,if we continue to lose audience with the changes of some actors,the director will get replaced."

38.Bring Me the Winner

   Once,a fellow went into a restaurant and ordered a two-pound lobster."Waiter,"he said when his meal was placed before him,"this lobster has only one claw."

   "I am sorry,sir,"the waiter replied."But sometimes the lobsters fight in the tank."

   "In that case,"the diner said,"Bring me the winner."

39.He Needs Treatment Again

   As a doctor is examining a patient,his nurse brusts in and says,"Excuse me,but that man you just treated walked out the door and collapsed on the front step.What shall I do?"

   "Turn him around,"the doctor answered,"so it looks like he was walking in."

40.The Second Job

   Many people hold down two jobs.So I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that she also worked part-time at the race track."That is interesting,"I said."What do you do?"

   As she finished styling my hair,she replied,"I groom horses."

41.Too Hard

   "In my office,I just can't win!"lamented the psychiatrist's secretary."If I come to work early,I'm anxious,if I'm on time,I'm compulsive.if I'm late,I'm hostile..."

42.Why Don't You Try Two Plus Two

   "I find that the key beating the number 4 doesn't work,"I told my husband when I was trying to use my telephone.

   "Why don't you try two plus two?"my 5 years old son said. www.youjiao51.com

43.Drunken Humor

   Wife:Dear,you looked quite drunk last night and you kept repeating the same thing at the table.

44.Whose Fault Is It?

   When a man came back home from shopping,he found his wallet stolen.His wife was hurling blames on him.

   "Why did you go out at the rush hour/"

   "Why did you take a bus?"

   "Why were you so careless about your wallet?"

   "Why did you take so much money with you?"

   "Why..."

   This time she was interrupted by her husband

   "Why are you hailing blames on me instead of on thethief?"the man retorted.

45.Benefit From The Second Job

   During their honeymoon,the bride said to the bridegroom,

   "The fortune-teller was marvelous when he told me that my marriage would start within one mile southeast from here.It so happened that I met you at your factory gate."

   The bridegroom said,

   "There is nothing marvelous,The fortune-teller is my father.In his second job,he has introduced three girls to me in the same way."

46.Is This a Real Certificate?

   Xiao Li is notorious for deceiving customers with imitations of world-famous shoes,jackets ornaments and other numerable articles.Quite a number of his victim went to the market inspection office to complain about his cheating behavior.

   One day when Xiao Li was selling goods of poor quality ,a market inspector went to stop his business and took him into custody.Xiao Li looked at the certificate paper for a few minutes and asked,"Is the certificate real?"

47.Nail A Lie

   I'm in charge of a medical office,and I've heard every excuse in the book about why patients are overdue with their payments.One of the best came from a woman who explained,"I'm sorry I'm late,but everything we had was destroyed in a tornado." www.youjiao51.com

   I asked if the number I was calling was her home phone.There was a moment's hesitation before she replied,

   "Yes--and the phone is all we have left."

48.Positive Analogy

   I had a terrible time learning how to drive.In fact,I failed my fist driving test.Sensing how bad I felt,The examiner offered a few words of encouragement."Don't think of it as failing,"he said."Think of it as increasing your life-span."

49.Likes and Dislikes

   The first week after my six-year-old son came back from school,I asked him what he liked and disliked at school.He said,

   "Oh,I like the sportsground,the swimming pool,the football field,the video room and the club,I have only one dislike--the classroom."

50.Busy with Appointments

   Two friends meet in the street when the following conversation takes place.

   Jane:"I haven't seen you recently.What are you busy at?"

   Mary:"Well,you know,I have so many appointments with my doctor these days."

   Jane:"What's wrong with you?"

   Marry:"Nothing wrong with me physically.The doctor is my fiancée."

51.It's a great Pity

   Before singing,a famous actor from Taiwan was asking the audience in his hometown,

   "Have you heard my singing before?"

   When he received a mixture of responses,he remarked,

   "It's a great pity that you haven't heard my singing,but it's an even great pity once you have heard my singing."

52.Keep Secret

   A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late.They decided to have something to eat before going home,but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation. www.youjiao51.com

   After being served,one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace."I'd rather not,"the clergyman said,"I don't want Him to know I'm here."

53.The Plane Crashed

   Nast is a black athlete from Africa,He was the world champion for men's 100 meters' butterfly swimming.But in the Barcelona Olympic Games he captured only a bronze medal.When he was interviewed by a reporter,he said,

   "During the match,the spectators all shouted joy and encouragement at me:"Mr.Plane,cheer up!"But unfortunately,the plane crashed tonight."

54.Why is the Groom in Black

   While attending a Chinese wedding ceremony,Margaret's little daughter was interested in the bride and whispered to her mother.

   "Mom,why is the Chinese bride dressed in red?"

   "Because in China red is the color of happiness,"the mother explained."And today is the happiest day of her life."

   After a moment's thought,she asked her mother another question,

   "Then,why is the groom in black?"

55.D o Come in,Please

   Gavin is a handsome young man,and his wife is a nurse,She is often out on night duty in the hospital.One midnight their next-door neighbor Jason was badly ill and his wife Karen went to knock at Gavin's door to ask his wife Jean for an injection.

   "Who is it?"Gavin asked when he heard the knock at the door.

   "It's me,Karen.Is your wife in?my husband needs her now."Karen pleaded.

   "No,she is out now.Do come in,please."

56.No Chance in the Daytime

   My sister asked her husband,"Why do you always talk in your sleep?"To this he replied,"Because I've got little chance to talk when I'm awake."

   The next day when my sister asked her husband,"Why did you scold me in your sleep last night?"To this he replied,"Because I've got no courage to do so when I'm awake." www.youjiao51.com

57.Natural Beauty

   A young couple were window-shopping when the young wife stopped her husband.

   "Dear,let's have   a look at a new brand of lip-stick."When they found the high price of the lip-stick,the man said,"Dear,in fact,I prefer you the natural beauty without any make-up."

   Then they passed a clothing department,the wife said,"I was going to get a dress,but I wonder if you insist on the necessity of my natural beauty."

58.Which Woman?

   One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.On my return,I noticed how dusty the outside of his car was and cleared it up a bit.When I finally entered the house,I called out."The woman who loves   you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

   My husband looked up and said,"Mom's here?

59.Henry and Mary had just got married, and everybody was enjoying their wedding party. There was plenty to eat and plenty to drink, and everybody was getting very merry, when a very thin, very young man came into the room. He looked at Mary sadly and accusingly, walked slowly towards her, kissed her lovingly and said, 'Why did you do it?'

   Then he walked to the door and disappeared.

   Nobody had ever seen the young man before--not even Mary.